Please Read the Below Article With An Eye for You and Your Writing


http://jrizme.blogspot.com/2011/10/5-reasons-i-refuse-to-believe-your.html

I have to say that this article was very helpful. In fact, I saw some of what I believe others who have read my writing have said. In fact his number one (1) is right on the money. And I hate to say this it is a problem for people in my book. I always think up something that I think is interesting but not interesting to the other person who reads it. In fact, when I go back and read sometimes even I am like- well why am I putting that in here. Whats its purpose?

Also numbers 4 and 5 are part of my problems too. And I am watching that. It helps I think to write flash fiction because you have to tell a story, flesh out characters, dialogue and scenery in under 1000 words. I had to say it wasn’t easy but I am glad I wrote it. I still try and write it so that I know. And this guy wasn’t happy though with it so he didn’t post it. I will post the story here so you can read with this post and let me know if you think that this article is shown in that story and also if you like the story in general.

Here is the story the Confessional. I might already have it on here but I will show you both versions for you to read and you and let me know if you see the mistakes he talks about in those two story versions.

THE CONFESSIONAL

Here I am, a 36 year old female sitting at my house again. I am brown skin, with hair down about mid length of my back. My eyes are naturally black but I wear blue contacts. What? I look pretty guys. My body is the skinny body of someone who suffers from anorexia nervosa. I have a habit of looking at my food and then deciding its evil. Hence my many trips to the bathroom and my many trips to the hospital emergency room. Just kidding. I am a dancer though. By trade. I have studied dance since I was little and I work very hard at it with no understanding from my family. But I make money so they don’t say much. My husband, Riley, now there is one hunk of a man. Tall, mixed with blue eyes, crystal blonde hair and a voice to absolutely die for girls. I ain’t lying. That body can grace any magazine cover in the world. Like think Fabio or Darrell, the cop from Charmed. Anyway, my husband’s voice is the best thing about him. It wraps itself around you like silk and that’s all you think about for hours. Its why I fell in love with him. His voice. No accent, just something and someone you don’t mind hearing.

And now Kharil. There goes that name again. Kharil. I hear it all the time. Why do you ask about her? What is it about her that makes you think of her at strange times in the morning? Did you go to her wedding that day?

But you know I love ya. Here is my version of my life until date:

Three years ago I met Michael and his future ex-wife, Vivian. Ya’ll know, I tell it like it is and they were a messed up couple. They were officially separated, when I started talking to him. Michael was the kind of man that most women wouldn’t look twice at util you knew his bank account. But when he cleaned up, you had a tall, fine looking brown skin man with west Indian hair and a smile that lit up a room. Vivian-we all know a Vivian-think of Kimberley Reese off of a different world. Short black skin woman who was determined to make a difference but didn’t know her worth. Knew him through my brothers girlfriend from school. I had just moved to New York. I was doing covers for Motherhood Magazine and Vogue. My baby, Lissa, had just been born. A beautiful Spanish looking baby I had. You trying to figure that out right? No, need, my husband is Spanish and black people. Why would you think anything else? I met Kharil around the same time through my agent. She was this huger than normal figure in full figure modeling. She is also out as a lesbian. My future ex-husband now husband Riley was working as a truck driver for an out of the way small parcel transfer service. We had gotten married originally because I thought I was pregnant then divorced when auntie flow started. Started dating again two months later and well that’s all she wrote. My friend Kharil became an on again off again part of our relationship-more mine than his if you know what I mean. More off than on but people didn’t know that.

Riley doesn’t like the lady. He thinks she is nothing but trouble with skates on her feet. She needs this, that and a new car or new apartment. But girl is the only way to hook up with the “right” people. And in my business that means everything.

Michael and Vivian and Kharil-they are the “right” people. Riley and me, well, we working stiffs.
The new venture started because my baby Lissa contracted cancer. My baby Lissa, short for Melissa. She is the light of our marriage. You remember I had said we had originally gotten married because I thought the rabbit died but it hadn’t. Well now we got our baby Lissa, and she is sick. But we have hope that the doctors will be able to help her. We had doctors appointments, hospital visits, physical therapy and medicine to purchase. Nothing but bills. I started working as a checkout girl in between modeling shoots. And the I started substitute teaching as well to help ends meet. But the job that made me money was the Mary Kay make-up consultant job. I could make my own hours, pick my clientele and obtain a vehicle without too much trouble. But I got told prior to my actually starting it that it wasn’t for you. Then I went through someone else to do it-and am making a pretty good living. Lissa, now 13 is doing okay. Holding steady my baby is and we are all proud of her.

Michael started dating Kharil. Kharil was dating Gia from her hometown of Lyndhurst. Now you remember I had said he and his wife had officially separated when I had met them. Snicker- define separation. These two have been not together since I met them. Now he is with Kharil- Kharil Kharil Kharil. I am sick to death of hearing about Kharil. You understand me now? Good. Damn fool Man. Still married. Define separation- they still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and to boot she’s pregnant. Hah!
I would start muttering but I believe it would defeat the purpose.

So now here I am trying to decide where I should go from here. And I have decided to just wait for the next day to arrive.

So guys and gals, until later, I will talk to you again sometime soon.

CHAPTER TWO

Ah guys, how are you? Another day in the booth. Haha! You thought I was just giving you a story right? This is the Confessional Booth at my house. We started it because we couldn’t have family meetings that didn’t escalate to actual fighting with fists and bodies thrown. So now, we videotape or audiotape the conversation. And then we can respond when we want to after watching the tape or listening to the audiotape. I know, I know, you are like-what kind of family are you? A smart family. We can not have a conversation that doesn’t at this time escalate into fighting. So we instituted the Confessional. But I got to tell you we are hoping to end it soon. Cuz man, learning about someone’s sex life via audiotape, literally, I don’t believe that is what the confessional booth was for Sis.

So I am making some money. My baby girl is sick in the hospital. I don’t know what is going to happen now. They just induced her in and out of a coma for about a week. Not exactly sure why. But now, I am waiting for tests results.

Riley is home due to a nasty motor vehicle accident. Took out his trailer and three cars. This guy was speeding down the I-95 and caused the accident. He couldn’t stop the truck in time and slid sideways, well his trailer anyway. Lot of damage. He was stuck in the cab because it turned on its side and you could smell gasoline. Have to tell you, I don’t want to re-live that at all.

So news- I got news. I am enceinte! Just found out. Three months. Shhh! Well actually I told everyone. I had to wait because of all the drama. So, yeah, we are pregnant. Riley is soo happy and pissed at the same time. Why? How about, why are we having this baby again? Ought to be a clue for ya. I thought you said no more. Well, you know things happen. Not on the pill. Can’t take it. Other meds you know. So now we got six more months to go, and I tend to deliver pre-maturely so you are looking at 5 months in reality. But we are looking at a healthy baby in five months. Doctors promised and I promised my little girl. So from here on out guys, No more fucking drama!

Until later guys!

CHAPTER THREE

Hey guys sorry I haven’t seen you in a while. Well the last five months to be exact. But hey, look who I have here to see you- little Mayra. And she is so happy to meet you guys. Well, she’s sleeping now. This is my good bye guys. We are no longer using the confessional. I will tell you why before I close out the room.

Michael is now officially divorced from Vivian. Like who didn’t see that one coming. And he is no longer with Kharil. Like who didn’t see that coming. Now he is a bachelor dating my old boss from Motherhood Magazine. Small world. And I am really not sure how that happened so please don’t ask me for details. I ain’t got any.

Lissa is in remission and home. Riley is almost completely recovered from his accident. Good thing too. We are in need of some extra cash with the baby and all. He is a writer, published. Ah you didn’t know that. He likes to drive his truck. Says it gives him ideas. So even without him driving we would be okay. See, we get by all right. He has three novels coming out, all in one. Short stories actually. Science fiction and romance. I know what you saying how does a man write a romance- with a little help from mother nature. My family and me. He has a five book deal with a publisher that he is finishing out with this novel. He now has to decide if he and they want to continue together. Not sure if it will happen. Let you know on that front.

And now, the reason we are closing it out is because soon after Lissa had come out of the coma, we all, the family, had started talking to each other. About everything. I mean you never know where a person’s head is at until you talk to them. The Confessional was a good idea but we found out so much more from the actual conversation than from the videotape or audiotape. So we decided to make it a tri-month meeting. Every three months we will meet up which is four times a year. And we will discuss our lives up until then. So guys, this is the first meeting. Tonight. So wish me luck and hey guys, thanks for listening to me, Naima, in my Confessional. Live your life guys. Love ya!
_____________________________________________________________

THE CONFESSIONAL
Here I am, a brown skin woman, with hair down about mid length of my back. My eyes are naturally black. My body is the skinny body of a dancer though. By trade. I have studied dance since I was little and I work very hard at it. My husband, Riley, now there is one hunk of a man. Tall, mixed with black eyes, black hair and a voice to absolutely die for girls. Anyway, my husband’s voice is the best thing about him. It wraps itself around you like silk and that’s all you think about for hours. Its why I fell in love with him. His voice.

Three years ago I met Michael and his future ex-wife, Vivian. They were officially separated, when I started talking to him. Michael was the kind of man that most women wouldn’t look twice at but when he cleaned up, you had a tall, fine looking brown skin man with west Indian hair and a smile that lit up a room. Vivian-we all know a Vivian-think of Kimberley Reese off of a different world. Short black skin woman who was determined to make a difference but didn’t know her worth. Knew him through my brothers girlfriend from school. I had just moved to New York. I was doing covers for Motherhood Magazine and Vogue. My baby, Lissa, had just been born. A beautiful Spanish looking baby I had. My husband Riley was working as a truck driver for a small parcel transfer service.

Due to my baby Lissa contracting cancer, I had to find new income sources. My baby Lissa, short for Melissa. She is the light of our marriage. But we have hope that the doctors will be able to help her. We had doctors appointments, hospital visits, physical therapy and medicine to purchase. Nothing but bills. I started working as a checkout girl in between modeling shoots. And then I started substitute teaching as well to help ends meet. But the job that made me money was the Mary Kay make-up consultant job. I could make my own hours, pick my clientele and obtain a vehicle without too much trouble. Lissa, now 13 is doing okay. Holding steady my baby is and we are all proud of her.
So guys and gals, until later, I will talk to you again sometime soon.

CHAPTER TWO
Ah guys, how are you? This is the Confessional Booth at my house. We started it because we couldn’t have family meetings that didn’t escalate to actual fighting. So now, we videotape the conversation. And then we can respond when we want to after watching the tape. I know, I know, you are like-what kind of family are you? A smart family. But I got to tell you we are hoping to end it soon.

My baby girl is sick in the hospital. I don’t know what is going to happen now. They just induced her in and out of a coma for about a week. Not exactly sure why. But now, I am waiting for tests results.

Riley is home due to a nasty motor vehicle accident. Took out his trailer and three cars. This guy was speeding down the I-95 and caused the accident. Lot of damage. He was stuck in the cab because it turned on its side and you could smell gasoline. Have to tell you, I don’t want to re-live that at all.
So news- I got news. I am enceinte! Just found out. Three months. Well actually I told everyone. So, yeah, we are pregnant. Riley is soo happy. So now we got six more months to go, and I tend to deliver pre-maturely so you are looking at 5 months in reality. But we are looking at a healthy baby in five months.
Until later guys!

CHAPTER THREE

Hey guys sorry I haven’t seen you in a while. But hey, look who I have here to see you- little Mayra. And she is so happy to meet you guys. Well, she’s sleeping now. This is my good bye guys. We are no longer using the confessional. I will tell you why before I close out the room.
Michael is now officially divorced from Vivian. Like who didn’t see that coming.

Lissa is in remission and home. Riley is almost completely recovered from his accident. We are in need of some extra cash with the baby and all. He is a writer, published, even though he drives the truck. He has three novels coming out, all in one. Short stories actually. Science fiction and romance. He has a five book deal with a publisher that he is finishing out with this novel. No more driving the truck, possibly.

And now, the reason we are closing it out is because soon after Lissa had come out of the coma, we all, the family, had started talking to each other. About everything. I mean you never know where a person’s head is at until you talk to them. The Confessional was a good idea but we found out so much more from the actual conversation than from the videotape or audiotape. So we decided to make it a tri-month meeting. Every three months we will meet up which is four times a year. So guys, this is the first meeting. Tonight. Thanks for listening to me, Naima, in my Confessional. Live your life guys. Love ya!
__________________________________________________________

So read the article and then the two versions and let me know which you like better. I would post them all so you can see how I write but I think this is okay for now.

Critique guys. I may not like your opinion but I will accept it.
_____________________________________________________________

Advertisements

One thought on “Please Read the Below Article With An Eye for You and Your Writing

  1. Smithk120 says:

    I got this website from my friend who told me concerning this web site and at the moment this time I am visiting this web page and reading very informative content here. ggfkkdkfcdcfkeff

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s