The Beginning and the Ending

Hi guys how are you?  I am not doing to well.  You want to know why?  I am waiting to see if people will order my novel.  And I don’t like to wait.  It is not the same as my novel. It is a totally different track the poetry.  It is romance mixed with a touch of realizm.  And for all those who cheated all your nasty bleeping asses and all you nosy ass family members hear me well you all ain’t worh a dump when your stupid asses know you lie like goddamn rugs.  Nuff said. That is the poetry in there. A touch of reality.  Not the mystery. 
Hey, I just found this author I met her facebook page. It is nice. Mine will be different.  I have to open a new one or fix the one I have but I’m waiting.  I have learned that it is better at this point to wait until I am a little more established.  Which means I have to send out my entry to these two people that I haven’t done yet. I havent forgotten. I just have to send them the email to see if it is okay still. Hopefully it won’t be a problem.
I am angry because they tend to want to put people on camera. I don’t know why. I am not a webcam girl and don’t want to be. I dont get paid for it. So no I am not for you to be that invovled in my personal life.  Whether you family or not family.
I am in the process of fiinshing the novel Friends Lovers Soul Mates :  A Guide to Better Relatioships Between Black Men and Women by  Derek S. Hopson Ph.D., and Darlene Powell Hopson, Ph.D.  And I wanted to share with you some pages that you can read yourself.  But the topics are good topics. First, it is pages 55-58; 103-122; 123-147.  Take some time read those chapters. I think they are good ones.  And if you want discuss them with your friends.  Or go to this website and read what they have their on similar topics eotm radio. 
As an aside and a more personal note, my cs name was mentioned this morning and he was offering me maternity leave (They say he was offering me my maternity leave.  I don’t remember him saying that but be that as it may, I am not having his children so how does he offer me my maternity leave.  As far as I know he doesn’t even know the people involved.  And then I found out maybe he does.  Or as they say trying to keep it anonymous.  Not working.  And no, I truthfully dont want them that involved in my life like that right now. They always ask the same nosy ass question- who you dating.  And what answer do they get- no one right now. And what would they get if I was, no one right now. Because I don’t want them to know until I am ready. And they get upset.  All they got to do is instead of calling someone else call me.  Got it S?) But so you know, related, not having your child unless we married. And if you are supposed to be my husband’s family then you would discuss that offer with me privately and not publicly and I won’t tell you No. or Hell No!   But do you do that?  No.  You can’t call up on the phone when you have a job.  Or send an email when you have a computer. Not that the man has either right now. I don’t know but I am sure if he is offering that then he has one or the other.  But in your case you or others say that it is meaning you won’t babysit or send someone to babysit or try and switch the lives of people around so that you may be nosy.  But the problem is you aren’t the parent.  And you have no right to be nosy in the first place. And if you were offering maternity leave you wouldn’t fix your face to even say that or have somene else say it on your behalf. So you know what- I had someone call up very unhappy because of that. And she isn’t happy because you thought you were actually related to her. I don’t know that you are or you aren’t. I don’t believe you are.  But I could be wrong. I don’t think so. She looks like a native family member here.  So keeping that in mind, this is what I want to ask you:  Who do you think you should be talking to with some kind of understanding that you have no idea who that person is and you never will as long as you think you know.  And while I am taking you to task it is because  I care and I want you to know that what you did was wrong.  So now that I can tell you this I hope you listen with open ears.  And if I don’t want your children then I am not turning down the chance to have my own maternity leave but having your children even if you are related to the man I am supposed to be with. And since you family, no I don’t want the added trouble of having to deal with your wife my family as another parent.  Are you getting the picture here?  And the next time you or someone thinks to offer do you think you could do it in private?  Even if I am not the one you asked, Goddamm it man keep it personal. 
I found some sayings I had posted on my wall at a job I used to work at. It was good self affirmation and reaffirmation of what and who I wanted to be.    I found then in magazine articles or somewhere and don’t have the exact site but I like them. Some were in books as well. 
The first is:  Do not under- nor overestimate yourself.  Circumstances may impel one to loose self-respect.  Being the slave of a person, habit, depressive mood, a drug, or otherwise, may result in self-hate. 
The second is:  Be flexible in your outlook on life.  Be prepared to accept that the human mind is incapable of comprehending the full dimensions of truth.  Truth in one set of circumstances may be different when considered from another level.  Be prepared to accept that a so-called mystery may have either a simple explanation, or one quite beyond our understanding.
The last is:  Mental study in books does not lead to wisdom.  It always needs to be chastened by experience.  In fact too much study strengthens the intellect, giving it a dominant position leading to imbalance.  Wisdom arises in a harmonius blend of all parts of being.  Intuitive grasp, opening one’s mind to inspiration and creative play with ideas have always been hallmarks of genius.  Yet these qualities cannot be manipulated by man’s intellect.
Some others are as follows:  A crisis may effect a catharsis.  Yet one must bear in mind that one’s depleted condition may have a somatic component. Taking medication may be better than to succumb to the ailment.
Insight in human character makes for true friendships. It means that one should know how the other person functions so that disappointments may be avoided.  Only if one is prepared to accept the other for what he/she is and show some form of appreciation will a lasting response grow.  So often one projects a image of the ideal person to the other, expecting responses not in line with his/her character.
Thus good friendships can be made if one has also something to offer, be willing to listen to the other instead of suing his/her prescence to vent opinions he/she is not interested in.  Everybody capable of forgetting himself, if only for a brief moment, can be good friend, mean something to the other. If there is a true rapport one may say things unknwingly which are important to the other.
True friendships are beyond time. One does not need to see each other often. The thread may be picked up instantaneously, even after many years.
(Note:  I would say these in the morning as my affirmations in the morning.  This way I would reinforce what I wanted to remember for the day.  So now, I am putting them in my blog so I can say them to you and also maybe if you guys find the book it was in, I can’t remember then you too will see what I found in here. Words to live by.)
Here is the last one: (when I find the rest I will put them in here. I too still have my affirmation  journal. I just haven’t written in it. You would think it would be easy. Not at like 5 am it isn’t.)  Mental study in books does not lead to wisdom.  It always needs to be chatstened by experience. In fact too much study strengthens the intellect, giving it a dominant position leading to imbalance.  Wisdom arises in a harmonious blend of all parts being.
Intuitive grasp, opening one’s mind to inspiration and creative play with ideas have always been hallmarks of geius. Yet these qualities cannot be manipulated by man’s intellect. 
Okay now this one is very long so I will only give you some parts of it:  It is called The purpose of life.  It states,
Many are burdened by a trauma because of instilled fears for imaginary sins.  In such cases a greater view of life comes as a blessing.  We may learn a lesson from animals which are free from such deliberations.  All species are instilled with a life instinct that drives them on.  They have no security, do not know how they will survive from one moment to the next, yet accept life as it comes without hesitation and qualms.  Alas, such dedication is exceptional for man. His mind stands in this way.
They helped me through some bad stuff while I was working.  Mnd playing tricks on you.  I was in a very bad way and my paranoia was out of this world. So much so in fact,that I was under the impression that they were trying to steal my life away, and that they were trying to prevent me from having children, getting married, having a good life and being a family member.  And I didn’t want that.  So it is in a way the reason my Aha! moment happened.  You know that people truly don’t give a shit about you or your life unless it affects them. And if it doesn’t, they truly don’t care. So if they talk, then it is their own jealousy and need for attention or just that they want to tell people business they don’t need to know. And believe me, I have been there and understand. I chat a lot too. I chat about people who are family, were family and are not family.  But what I have always done is kept it in the family. Since that is hard to do now who do you talk too?  I don’t know actually.  I can’t answer that for you.  Because I dont know the answer to that. So this is my venue. And please don’t make it public unless you read the blog and don’t recite it in class just read it at your leisure.
Well I do have a lot on my mind but this isn’t the place to tell you everything. Nor is the chatroom hence my desire for actual face to face contact and talk is now explained to those who didn’t understand. And I am going to try and avail myself of all of those opportunities given to me.  So hopefully, we shall see each other. Chat ya laterz!

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