Good Evening.  I haven’t written for a while.  So I’ll chat with you later.
January 21, 2009
 Good Morning.  How are you today after inauguaration day.  Last night was not happy for me.  The speakers had gotten turned on and destroyed a nice night.  It destroys most nights when the speakers get turned on.  But in this event I wanted to go to the hospital to visit someone. I did not go yet so I am going today. 
Now they keep mentioning this guys name and his family.*  I don’t know any of them as far as I know and if I do I do not know their name.  You would think people would know that.  And you know when they start talking to you about it in the morning when you get up or before or in the evening when you are trying to go to bed.  Not normal times like during the day light hours.  No, not that.  and by that I mean telephone not speakers and blast.  I think that is rude and disrespectful of everybody and they don’t seem to complain.  I think they do.  I have to go to the police station and the courthouse.  I was asking some questions and also to ask some personal questions. So this morning they tried to say I was cruel.  I wasn’t cruel.  They are not my family unless they married into it.  As far as I know I haven’t been to a wedding that isn’t to say that they haven’t married into the family it means that I am unaware. (The only one to get married recently was a cousin.)  But since they say it we are not family except as extended family.  And they don’t treat me like family so until they do we are not family. do you think, they treat all their family to speakers cause if they do I don’t want to be in that family I hate the speakers and always have.   If you want to know the truth, I don’t think we married into that family at all.  I don’t think we are related except as friends if that.  And if I know his daughter and we are friends than that is what we are. If my brother or sister(even though we don’t talk much) know them as friends or family that is that.  If the people who drop their names are related to them then they shouldn’t do that.  I am not trying to get myself into trouble but I don’t like the speakers, I don’t know that man he don’t speak when he sees you and I don’t know his family. So okay, now today, I will have a horrible day because like when you mention three to four other people shit just goes straight to hell when you mention their names.  So now the speakers will be on for the rest of the day and they will try and put me with a man I can’t stand.  In other words, they keep trying to put me with someone I don’t like either way mostly because I find him boring, he is not my type and I don’t much like him but he has a nice family.  He is like almost six feet I guess this guy.  His family is just as tall as he is. But his mother is probably like mine, the shortest in the house. Anyway, I don’t particularly want to be around them.  For some reason they the people who know seem to think I should be there.  Newsflash, I don’t like the man.  I don’t want to be around the man.  And the man is well aware.   In fact, I don’t like a lot of people right about now.  Do you think they know that?  Probably in vivid detail.
I have a type. We all have a type. They don’t know my type and try to put me with the wrong one.  But they try and fail miserably.  That goes for the type of people I want to be around to.  I don’t mean just dating. I mean in everything.  But they say we should take the time out to let them know.  Excuse me, do I know where they are?  I don’t.  I am going down to the police station to see if there are/is any way to figure out where people are.  I don’t know if they know. 
You know what gets my goat  my father starts talking underneath his breath like we can’t understand him.  It pisses the hell out of me.  And he has been doing it more and more lately.  I can’t stand it and when I tell him not to do it, do you know what he does, he does it anyway.
The other thing is they who talk on the speakers are in the town. Do you think that they could actually get off the microphone  long enough to call and let the people know whom they need to speak with they need to speak with them?  Hell no.  An impossiblity for them to do the right thing and call on the telephone.  Now I am not saying that they don’t have important things to do but a phone call is a little time like five minutes (as my paralegal supervisor said) out of their day.  They can’t do that? That goes for anyone who does something like that.  How hard is a phone call unless you are not near a phone?  If you ask me, if you have a microphone then you have a phone nearby that you can use.  It isn’t that hard a request to comply with it just means you are damn disrespectful no matter how you look at it. 
 I got another proposal via the internet.  Can you explain to me why they feel the need to do that?  I don’t know you.  It was some man from India.  No, I don’t want to marry you I don’t know you.  Why would you even send that to me in the mail?  And then ask me again after you send the picture like it will make a difference.  It won’t.  You look like a man I can’t stand.  No offense to you but I don’t believe that is something to get past very easy.  Now if you want to be friends, then that is fine.  But don’t ask me to marry you.  Damn, I must look that damn desperate to get married.  No, I am not that damn desperate to get married. (I would like to go outside of the usa for a while but I can’t afford that so I just dream about it.)  I would much rather someone who loves me for me and not for another reason.  In other words, if you don’t know me and I don’t know you I don’t think we should take the chance and get married only to get divorced. I want my marriage if it happens to be for keeps and I don’t like to share.  I couldn’t be in a polygamous marriage.  It isn’t in me to like that type of sharing.  Although I have seen the shows on women who do live in that. Most of them eventually that I have seen try to get out.  What does that say about that type of marriage? It doesn’t give you much.  If you have seen this before then we think alike either that or you are in my brain.  I think the men like the idea though. The ones who are involved.  I don’t know about the men who aren’t involved. Most men are in more than one relationship anyway and by that I mean if they aren’t in a monogamous relationship they may date more than one woman.  I don’t think though they think about polgamy that way.  Then again, maybe they do.
 I miss my friend.  She would talk to me.  Most people don’t though.  They talk at me. It annoys the hell out of me.  I really needed to chat today so if this is a long entry you can scroll down to the end.  This is kind of like therapy off and on.  So she would talk to me like I had something important to say. And most times I would be in the mood to not chat.  Now I am and I want to go find people to chat with.  I am hoping to start camera dating. You start out with chats via the internet or messenger.  And then if you choose you can get camera dating.  The only catch is you can’t be married and somehow they verify that information.  I am not married so I fit the bill.  But I don’t think they take engaged people either but if you are engaged you shouldn’t be on the website.  I haven’t joined yet.  It looks like a nice website.  I’ll find the address and post it next time.
I think that D is upset sometimes but we don’t talk much.  He doesn’t even answer the phone a lot when he is working.  I think you have to have scheduled a time to call now.  Anyway, I think he is upset or will be when he hears what happened.  I think the problem is this guy has someone in his family with the same name and I use his name at the same time. But it is to illustrate a point not to make him angry.  I think he gets anygry if you mention him at all.  I told them to stop dropping names.  And I will stop dropping names. but I try not to drop them in the first place but this one particular group of people they mention a lot and I feel the need to explain to them we are not together meaning we are not together.
I very much want to foster or adopt and this with the speakers isn’t helping me nor helping me get a job.  Plus there is the issue of work history and school history.  They are good except for time spent on the job.
I feel like (in connection with what I mentioned earlier*) that I am doing that particular family a disservice.  Just because I get angry doesn’t mean to take it out on them.  The people to take it out on are the ones who don’t feel the speakers are wrong. So I want to go speak to them and find it out.  This morning they used K in their speakers soliloquy.  And I got on her and her family too.  It isn’t right but I did get angry.  I wanted to go down there and be like be quiet.  I think they were where I am going the police station.  I have to ask some questions.  I got cold so I stayed in the bed.  But the bad thing about that was then I don’t find out what I need to know.  And I need to know and understand.  I think they really woke them up while I was living outside of the house.  And I think they did it alot no matter who was there.  I think we had people staying in the house who needed a place to stay and whether it was the family or not they woke them up. 
 For those in the know:  we recently had MLK Jr’s birthday followed by the inauguration of a black president.  We also saw a Kennedy possibly for office.  We saw the old President, President Bush leave office with his wife and watch the ceremony with one of his twin daughters.  We witnessed a plane crash, a beating and the Golden Globe awards.  Some of the dresses were nice and some of the dresses weren’t.
 For those in the know:  today is going to be bad in the evening.  Know how I know? Because I am going to be on blast and destroyed by midnight.   I hate that I really do.
I read something interesting in this book I am almost done with; so I thought I would share with you.  The title of the book is The Blueprint for my Girls in Love:  99 Rules for Dating, Relationships and Intimacy by Yasmin Shiraz.  There were a couple of good excerpts I would like to share. 
The first is:  Football, basketball, baseball?  I can’t follow any of it.  Why do guys love sports so much, anyway?  Rule 23 Do yourself a favor:  learn a little about sports.  I like this one.  You know why? Because I just learned to do this a couple of years ago.  It was after I had gotten fired from a position as a paralegal at this law firm. I was home crying and I was feeling sorry for myself.  And my sister and brother were both involved in Sept. 11th.  By that I mean, my sister saw the planes fly into the buildings and my brother was in Newark near where they wanted to evacuate the people.  And here I am feeling sorry for myself and look what they and everyone else went through. You are like what the hell does this have to do with this Rule?  Here is the thing:  I started watching ESPN and ESPN2 because I liked Cold Pizza.  They have since switched the name to First Take.  And I started watching it and reading the sports section because it is a defense mechanism.  They talk sports in the family.  Do you know how hard it is to participate in a conversation when you have no idea what they are talking about? It is very hard.  So I started doing that.  And it paid off. I overheard a conversation that someone had about baseball, and I knew and understood what they were talking about.  I was so proud of me.  (P.S.  I saw that you can actually bitch slap someone on the internet but I still don’t know how to do it.  When I find out I will let you know.)  I can now actually have a conversation about sports when I watch the television show and read the newspaper.  And now I don’t feel like a dork when they start discussing it.  Makes you feel better about yourself.  I learned a little bit about hockey when I talked to this guy.  I think it is good advice.  Whoever you date, male or female.  You would be suprised at how many women we consider butch, gay or whatever that play sports are actually nothing like we make them out to be.  And some of them are not even gay like we thought.  (I know this is probably stereo-typical and extremely rude but I have my stereo-types and I do speak about them.  I am no better than the next person when it comes to that.)  Her BLUEPRINT:  I can utilize sports knowledge as a unique bridge of communication and discussion when I am attempting to break the ice. pp52-3
Are some guys simply destined to be just your friend?  Rule 24  Some dates aren’t meant to become boyfriends.  This is very true.  I have met more friends than anything.  Which I could definitely use.  I don’t keep my friends. I have decided that is a testement to my inability to be what they are looking for.  And at 34 I am not ashamed to admit that.  Younger, I might have been but now, when I need friends, I can’t be ashamed to admit it.  I need help when it comes to making friends.  BLUEPRINT: I will not force myself to make every date become boyfriend.
Sometimes I think my boyfriend is lying to me.  Am I just jumping to conclusions?  Rule 44  Some lies are obvious.  The best way to detail this is to use her words:  Know this:  a relationship built on deception and untruths is not gonna last.  When we trick our brains into accepting things that are inaccurate, we are only delaying the inevitable-a broken heart. Another way to say this is BLUEPRINT:  Accepting lies as truth can only hurt me.
My best friend never wants to talk to me about my boyfriend.  It’s like she’s jealous or something.  Why can’t she just be happy for me?  Rule 47   Most girls who don’t have a boyfriend don’t want to hear about yours.  Heads up- its the same with your sex life.  When we are where you are at, we will dish.  Some woman dish all the time.  Some woman don’t.  It depends.  But isn’t a lie, I don’t mind talkling about your friend but please don’t make him the whole topic of conversation all the time.  (See, I speak from experience.  I have done this.  So listen to me.  I know what I am talking about.)  Make sure you have a life outside your boyfriend and his friends.  Have your own group to talk too.  Your own haunts.  Your own space to go too.  Don’t get wrapped up in him/her.  It isn’t a life.  You can’t survive that way. (I know a friend who went through this.  So listen, I speak from experience second hand but experience with being there to help through.)  BLUEPRINT:  My boyfriend is not hte center of my life.  I have a lot to talk about besides him.
Is a monogamous relationship really possible?  Rule 49  A monogamous relationship means just you and your boyfriend. I believe that this is possible.  You don’t have to date more than one person.  I think that people can and do choose the right person for themselves.  Some do it the first time around and others it takes a while.  But I do believe that everyone picks out who they should be with unless something happens and it isn’t meant to be due to circumstances.  So BLUEPRINT:  Any relationship that I enter into, I will know the guidelines and stick to them accordingly. 
My boyfriend will make little comments that tell me that he wants me to change. Could this be a way for me to grow? Rule 50  Always be yourself in every relationship.  This is something it took me a while to learn.  But I decided one day =- take it or leave it.  You don’t like me then I don’t know what to tell you.  I get better as I grow older or worse as I grow older but I try to learn from what happens around me.  What this means is if you like me then you like me regardless. You don’t makeup stupid rules or stupid reasons for not letting me be who I am.  You do not try and tell me I am worth less than nothing. If you like me and I mean really like me then you like me regardless of anything else within reason.  And you take that into context of your situation.  I won’t ask you to change unless what I am asking you to do is what you should be doing.   see next entry.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s