Shadow Man-Why Are You On My Computer?


Today I boot up my computer and I see a shadow of a man in my computer.  I will call him Shadow Man. Why are you on my computer?  He is in the back looking like he is wearing blue jeans a black jacket and no hat. There is the faint outline of a park bench as well or a gravesite.  Almost like you are at Conant Park. I guess I shouldn’t say that huh.  Not Warinaico.  Not Rahway. Not Weehawken. Conant Park.   And the park bench is on the side of the park not in the front by the parking lot.  And there is nothing around it either. Just like in the picture. Except when I was there I was talking to a short spanish guy who was painting a house down on Salem Avenue.  I guess I shouldn’t get freaked out.  He kind of looks like three different guys that I know.  None of which I may or may not like.  Don’t know them well.  One is at the hospital. The other is at the train station. And the third I saw in my bedroom like an apparation.  The trinity.  Does that make sense to you?  I am not saying that there is anything to it.  I’m just saying.  Actually there is a fourth although it might have been a woman with any of them with short hair.  That was in Virginia. Very quiet.  Do you think they have thoughts like these? Probably not.  They would say you’re crazy.  The last time I went to Warinaco I was in the area I think by the basketball court. 
 
I heard a little girl crying yesterday.  I think it was a little girl. I haven’t heard her much today.  I was supposed to go out today and do some things but I didn’t.  I should have.  I still want to go to the hospital.  I wanted to talk to someone.  I hope to get there today.  I am thinking of calling a cab.  And then going.
 
My feet are cold.  I am getting a shower. I hate that.  I have been cold most of the day.  I have been wearing three shirts.  It sucks. I haven’t been cold like this since north broad street. I can’t say I like it much.
 
I am watching a horror movie and what comes to mind is what makes minds write like this. Are they the mind of a  sick mutherfucker (excuse the french) or they the work of a master horror movie writer who can make you scream from one scene.  Should I even say that or will that offend you sir?  I remember my favorite story from mystery writing class- it is the one where and I think the lady must have been pissed off when she wrote it or she is just that good a writer- she wrote about how she cut her husband up into little pieces put him in the garden and used him as fertilizer because he left her after their son had died and met and married another woman so she killed him.  But it was a mystery.  And then her garden grew taller than they knew.  Go figure.  The reason I mention this story is because I happen to like it very much.  Not just because she kills him but because I think that for me it is a well written story.  If I find it I will post it for you to read.  It looks nice.  I don’t guess that is a problem if I do that.I don’t know much about how a well written mystery is but I am learning as I go.  So far the mystery I am writing seems to flow in a manner that is continuous.  The book I am reading is Writing 10 Days to Overcome Writer’s Block Period.  It is written by Karen E. Peterson, Ph.D.  So far it is good.  It has some of what I do already in it but I am still seeing things I haven’t done yet.  I hope that I continue to learn from the book.  I will leave the information in case you want to use it for anything.  You can probably find it on Amazon.com.
 
 For those in the know, I am a superstitious person and I don’t like seeing things appear in my computer screen saver that weren’t there before.  I have a ghost in my machine.  Now I watch horror movies. Thriller movies. It isn’t normal to have that appear in the screen saver.  I think it isn’t normal.
 
I heard someone say I had a heart attack or something like that.  Actually I didn’t hear them say that exactly.  They mentioned a name of a teenager I know and then something else.  But not much else.
 
 For those in the know:  I have the shakes in my head today.  I have them a lot.  I am not saying their is anything physically wrong but it helps me to complain about them to someone even if it is to you.  I know I should get an MRI.  I actually had a referral which I didn’t use.  I have to get another one but I am with a new doctor unless I go back to the original doctor who referred me out for it. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about it.  I have these twitches and these head pains.  They used to be like shocks in my head.  But I don’t have them so much anymore.  I want to find out what the problem is and if it is connected to something else. It is a problem I have had for a couple of years now. I think a lot of women may have had certain similar problems but not this problem.  I am probably wrong.  I just would like to have a resolution. I want to go to the hospital. You watch programs that deal with this issue the feeling that your body is your own. How you use it and how you want it.  I guess it all goes in part with good health. I also have a problem with people trying to take something from other people like sex or money or a car for no other reason than the fact that they can.  I don’t understand that at all.  I wish they would stop that.  I wish they would think before they leap.  Or at least think before they do what they do.  For instance, I was mentioning virtual reality-I don’t like the idea that you could be sleeping or something and they could like pop in at any minute. Not liking that.  There are other things. The sex thing for one.  Having virutal reality sex, (not that it is or isn’t possible) but if it was possible, not liking it.  Again you could be sleeping.  The uterus is kind of personal to each and every woman and man involved in life.  I think that is self explanatory that you don’t want people to think they have the right to own it.  I guess this applies mostly in surrogate cases but in regular cases it can apply too.  It would depend on what it is.  I hate that people think they can use you or your body or your mind for their own purposes and you get nothing from it.  I think that is wrong. 
 
 For those in the know I feel like I should be elsewhere to protect myself.  I am hoping to achieve that end in the sense that I go where I am wanted or at least comfortable enough to deal with friction and able to survive. I asked a complete stranger to get me out of my bad situation.  Which wasn’t fair to him or to his family.  I really do want to leave but on terms that are good for me.  I am told to just pick up and leave.  But I freak out about it.  I am about to try and do something good for me and I hope for everyone else.  I want to move out of this house where I am and into my own apartment.  If I can live with someone else for a while it isn’t bad.  But I want to be able to support myself.  I want to be able to support a family of at least three or more.  I say minimum of three people. And then anyone else who comes along.  Do you think that is wrong of me to want to do that? I think people are offended by that idea.  Not so much that I want to be able to support myself but to be able to live somewhere I like.   Here is a situation and I will tell you what I think.  I have a friend who is in a bad situation.  He is unable to live in his house as he has been constantly kicked out for various reasons.  He may have a restraining order against him but I don’t believe so.  They may have threatened him with it. So he moved out of his house to live with relatives.  But the problem was that they were having a lot of issues and problems dealing with their relationship with each other. I don’t know if they are talking now.  The reason I mention this is that I know of a similar situation and this person is about to do this.  By the end of next month they may no longer live in their own house. I believe their situation is slightly different in that there may be violence and/or theft.  Not sure. But I believe that this may or may not be resolved in time.  I don’t know if if it is repairable.  I don’t know the whole situation.  So I am only telling you this because I was thinking about this. 
 
I do not know how people normally react in that situation where you just want to kill someone.  That you want to hurt them and make them pay for all the hurt and pain they caused you.  That if you could you would make their lives miserable so that they can understand what it is that you feel.  But to do this you have to write about things like a crime, a murder, a torching, things like that.  Things that are criminal.   Why should you repeat all that is bad or wrong to get across a point that has been beaten to death and is a tomb below ground level?  Why should you not show this person how it is that you feel in that what they are doing to you is wrong and is evil and is a crime in and of itself (for the sake of writing) would you write about it?  Do you need to understand that you are a criminally selfish individual who it appears incapable of actually understanding that you point murdered someone as if they were a computer program that you just loaded into a computer?  But I believe that we can depict that in such a way that it isn’t nasty or wrong.
 
I believe that the man behind me just mentioned he needs an attorney for her or that he isn’t going to get one for her.  I wonder what her he  is referring too.  I would like to know because I am nosy and I don’t understand why he is muttering as if Satan himself has a hold of him.  I don’t believe that he is who he says he is at some point he is someone different but not different. Does that make any sense?  I don’t know if that makes sense.  
 
I want to go home but not to my home to someone else’s home.  
 
 It was uncomfortable. Kind of like now.  And I am shaking or nodding my head up and down.  It drives me up a wall. I can’t stand it and people don’t undertand it and don’t forgive it particularly if they think you use it as an excuse or something. I don’t it just is and it bothers me. 
 
 For those in the know:  I recently received an honor that I don’t know that I deserve even though I have the years under my belt. I mean I deserve it for the amount of years but I also wonder if their shouldn’t be more to it than that.  If service was just enough, then anyone and everyone (which for this particular award you can) can have it.  But do you think there should be something more?  If I had done something wonderful, if I had done something worth noting, if I had saved a life or if I had done something other than be a member in good standing or a very involved member.  I don’t know that I deserved it.  Am I wrong for saying that?  Probably not. 
 
I recently have been hearing of talk for a guy who is looking to help people achieve who they should be by making them into who they should be. Does that make any sense to you?
 
 You know that movie Sayonara the musical, I still can’t watch it all the way through.  It bores me to tears and I like those musicals. Just not this one.  I think it is because it is a war movie and as a general rule I don’t like war movies unless they are sci-fi. You know the type- they do shit they shouldn’t and go where they shouldn’t because they are the government and screw everyone else.  Plus they are mostly military experiments gone awry. Like the sleep deprivation or the dog control or the primate one or the one where they try and convince them through conditioning they are super soldier.  I could name a lot more but those are just a few of them. I watch a lot of sci fi.  I thought I told you that.
 
When you go to hell and you go there repeatedly do you think you come out the same?  The reason I ask this is because I was watching the "Exorcism of Emily Rose" in which this young girl is believed to be possessed. They are trying to rid her body and mind of spirits that possess her from the devil.  It is interesting.  It sometimes can scare me that subject.  It can scare anybody. I don’t like it much. 
 
Mr. G and Mrs. G are involved in the scandal of making pornographic movies.  They are a husband and wife team. (Names changed to avoid detection of real people if any resemblance. I happen to like the initial G.  But I am not referring to anyone in particular.  I just happen to think of that initial first.  I know there are people out there who are saying you are referring to someone in particular. No I am not but you can think that if you want too. )  There new movie is a home movie look a like where they are filming home movies. It won’t be graphic. I can’t do graphic and it will be bare bones.  But hopefully, you will like it and if it falls flat I will try a different story all together. The story goes something like this:
 
Hi Mimi. How are you?
I’m fine.  Are you ready to film this scene?
About this scene. I think we may have to hold off on it until I get my HIV test back. The results aren’t in yet and this is the scene with actual intercourse.  Could we film the scene with the dialogue first?
That is fine.  Go get Greg.
 
See next part.
 
 I haven’t eaten a lot today. I got sick to my stomach. It happens every so often. I don’t like it.  It happens when I am nervous too or upset.  I have been up and down lately.  So it could be that.  I don’t know.
 
Do you think people get upset over stuff they shouldn’t like when they shouldn’t be involved in your conversation or what you are writing or something like that? I do it.  I don’t handle very well. I don’t think many people do.  I don’t have much else to say.  I am editing as I write. I don’t want to appear to much of a pain in the ass and too much as a dumb chick or someone who is not an interesting person to get to know.   I have this fear that I will not ever have what I see some people have in their lives. And this fear is such that it makes me want to better myself.  So that is always a goal of mine that I fail at sometimes but I try and when I succeed I pat myself on the back.  
 
Okay until tomorrow morning bright eyed and bushy tailed and with a fresh  and hopefully not .
 
See ya lata peeps!
 
Nov. 21st.
 
I jinxed myself.  I got sick this morning.  I had diarrhea.  Then I threw up the last little bit of what I ate for dinner.  I don’t like being sick.  Who does? 
 
I was looking at my stories.  I want to purchase a new laptop and to use my old laptop for other things. So I have one for work and one for play.  But it would still be used the old one.  I am so paranoid I think someone is after my laptop. I don’t want them to have it.  All my stories are on it.  My new career which hopefully may actually get off the ground is on here.  I truly really don’t want to lose it.  Think of this movie that I just watched I forget the name of it.  She was preparing for a speech in front of her fellow students, then her computer crashed due to someone putting in a virus and erasing her hard drive and memory.  Can you believe it?  There she is catatonic looking empty headed and freaked out and they couldn’t fix her car.  She managed to get all her information back in time for her speech and debate but she had to stay in the  library.
 
It is so cold. I feel like I have on ac.  I don’t know why.  I hate it.  Its like there is a breeze.  So I am going to be going downtown hopefully. I was thinking of calling someone but I am not going to unless I want too.  Which I don’t know that I really want too.  I still think that he doesn’t want to be bothered. 
 
My friend thinks I was calling up I for to go out.  I am not sure why that is.  I don’t think that I likes to hang out sometimes.  He reminds me of K a lot.  They sound a lot a like. I mean like the spit each other out.  But he sounds like other people too. I catch him coming out of my F too.
 
 I am so cold right now.  I have a huge ass breeze in my body right now.  (Excuse the french)
 
I saw a laptop I liked.  It is called the studio.  I wouldn’t mind having it but it cost a lot of money.  I don’t have money.
 
I don’t actually have much to say today. I read a little. Found an interesting quote.  I will write it for you later.  I also found a little new website.    This is for those who like to follow politics. Keep in mind I have only read or looked at one of them:   www.mccainblogette.com; www.anti-mccain.net; www.my.barackobama.com and www.blogher.com/blog/michelle-obama.  I have only had a chance to look at the mccain blogette.  I believe she was on a morning news show or on msnbc on day discussing how it was she started to blog and why she had to take the good with the bad as she put her business out there by writing the blog.  The key to not being hurt is to not put anything out there that can hurt you.   Then you should be okay.  
 
I am hoping to publish everything that I have here.  I am going to start looking for publishing houses this weekend.  I hope to find one.  Since I don’t have a lot of money and a steady income it might be better to shop the book myself.  And then I hope to hit it big and make money.
 
Someone is growling it sounds like.  I think it is a computer program or something but they might actually be growling.  When they are angry. 
 
The other thing I was thinking about was why you would hurt someone in your family and why would you be so angry unless you just hurt them that bad.  Why would you rape someone in your family or commit incest or molestation with them? We see all those movies and do we really know what it is like for them.  I don’t believe that we do. 
 
Okay going to post.  See next entry. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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