Questions on How Not to Kill or be Killed (In My Case, it is Be Killed!)


Hallellujah its the church of ain’t we just so superior and so important and so right that we think our shit don’t stink.  Well, child we are here to tell you that your shit done stunk up the whole damn church and then some.  So all of your hallellujah’s and you know who we mean ain’t helping you out.  Nuff said. 
 
Nov. 8th
 
I went to the hairdresser’s yesterday.  And was told something that I didn’t like. I won’t go into detail. What was I supposed to do?  Get angry? Yell?  Where did it come from anyway?  I didn’t get it.  I don’t mind holy people.  Don’t get me wrong. But as holy as your ass is, it really ain’t that holy.  I am sure that you do shit you shouldn’t.  We all do.  I won’t lie and say I do.  And most people can’t say they aren’t trying to hard to be holy.  I think my Mo is going blind but won’t tell nobody.  So she needs help and won’t admit that either.  Not to us. She used too. She doesn’t anymore.  It bothers me mostly because she doesn’t talk to me at all.  All she does is yell and pick a fight.  But she will talk to them all the time.  I don’t see her that often and we live in the same house although it seems like she lives elsewhere and not here.
 
 For all of those who know:  my sister said I had a problem with someone and I didn’t.  I didn’t talk to her for a long time.  Now if this person had a problem then she talked shit about me for a long time and I never said shit about her because truth to be told, she didn’t matter to me; I had to much stuff to do in my life. (That is not to say that if she had a problem I wouldn’t have listened to her.  But I didn’t worry about her.  I didn’t have time too and I didn’t care either.  What happened to her was her business and unless you thought to make it mine I didn’t worry about you at all.  I had things to do.)  I was saving money to move out on my own and live by myself.  This is not against the person this is just an illustration of how I deal with things and situations.  It probably isn’t the best one but one I thought of. 
 
I am still trying to save money and move out on my own and I am now 34.  That is what I wanted and we do better with distance.  I have trouble living with my parents.  We don’t get along.  We fight way too often.   Although truth to be told our relationship is strained at best at times.  Other times, it isn’t strained at all.  Out of all the years I have been here, I have seen some people I didn’t like be nosy in shit they shouldn’t be.  In other words, turn off your goddamn cameras (speaking in reality and metaphorically) and get the hell out of someone’s bedroom (same here) and call them up on the goddamn telephone and people your lazy asses (this includes my lazy ass-even though we may all not have the number) can’t say you don’t have the telephone number.  If you have something to say the best thing to do is to say.  And no, I haven’t changed my name so they can’t say they can’t find the number.  They probably even have my cell phone number which hasn’t changed either. so they truly have no excuse to not call up on the phone. (the cell phone is disconnected due to non-payment) If I don’t have their number and can obtain it then I have no excuse either.  The shit works both ways but since I am not the one talking shit and smack then I think they ought to own up and call up on the phone. 
 
Apparently they considers someone a man now.  I don’t understand that considering they don’t act like one and don’t want to be one. I think it is an insult particularly coming from her and not one that I think is deserve from her. 
 
As an aside,  No, I am not my M.  This in in response to do I want to be my M?  I can’t be her.  She is one person to her own.  And no, I have never been my M. To ask me to be my M I think is an insult to who she was and is as we are two totally different people.  To take her name?  I don’t believe I want to take her name.  I like her name but I happen to like the one I was given at birth which was N. I did think of using it as a psuedonym though.  Now, I believe that is a problem for some reason.  If I choose to change it then I am changing it but not to lessen what the name I was given at birth meant but for a reason of my own making. Do I want my sister or brothers name?  No, I like them but I do not want them.  Does that make me a bad person? I am not throwing them out like garbage or anything.  I just happen to want my own name not to use theirs.  And I happen to like their names.  I want to give them to my kids if I have any.  For the ones I have now, I would give them their names.  (Not that I have any but you get my meaning)
 
Am I less of a woman because I chose not to address her or because I stay in a house instead of a homeless shelter? ( I don’t want to have to live in a homeless shelter but I would if I had too.  I don’t want to cause problems or trouble.) Am I less of a woman because I chose not to act like a nasty ass n- and be loud and ignorant? I can’t be quiet and ignorant.  Why do I need to be loud and ignorant? And this is an insult to me calling myself an ignorant n- which is what I get called a lot by some people.
 
My M used to tell me I don’t want to be on camera.  Well for her information, I don’t want to be either.  And I try not to be but if they put you on camera all the time then how do you stay off of it? I am going to be talking to someone about a restraining order for that (do I need one and is it possible to deal with it without obtaining one) but I only asked about how to protect my writing and my email.  The problem is that I don’t know who exactly is putting me on camera and without that information then how do I protect myself?  (For example, I have this habit lately of shaking my head up and down or from side to side.  People use that as an excuse to say I am responding to them because it may come on cue to what they are saying. It isn’t the case but you can’t tell them that.  They will not agree with you.) Should I not write this and put it on my blog?  I don’t know.  I have to get it off of my chest and I haven’t talked to anyone.  That is what I was hoping to do when I went out this morning because I can’t sleep. 
 
And the lady kept moving my stuff at the hair salon.  It doesn’t bother me but I apparently was going back their to sit so why would you move my stuff and not sit in the empty chair?  The young girl had vacated the chair.  Does it truly matter where you sit at a hair salon?  I think she should have asked me to move my purse and stuff.  No offense against her, but she shouldn’t have touched it and she didn’t ask anyone who sat their either.  It wasn’t the right thing to do either.  I wanted to stay and wait out the rain today.  Normally, it wouldn’t have bothered me but I think the lady was responding to the speakers.  I didn’t know anyone else did that.
 
For instance, the hairdresser, which I have to talk to her, once again states you are not getting your hair extensions back. Excuse me, you are supposed to be performing a service for which you get paid. And that means unless you give me one good reason why I can’t put hair extensions in my hair then you have to do what I ask you too.  And if you want to get snippy again you can. (Because one day she really was snippy.  Upset about doing hair.  I think someone had mentioned to her you don’t do what your customer asks you to do and that pissed her off.) You don’t want your money?  We don’t have to come back and you lose your customer base.  One customer won’t hurt her.  She makes more than enough money.  If she thinks that I deserved that comment I didn’t.  My hair has never for her information been fake except for the braids.  If she thinks it was then she doesn’t want me as her customer and I don’t have a problem with not coming back there either.  I normally don’t say anything because when she mutters I can’t understand her but this I understood.  She also made a comment about being a man to someone once.  I have to call her today.  I didn’t talk to her yesterday.  So I will do it today. This way I take care of it and then there are no more problems.  What I think is that this hair dresser probably needs is to hear it from me and then we plant a tree on it.
 
Okay-bitch session over.
 
  For some reason I think they believe I dated a woman and I didn’t.  They thought I dated Iv and they thought he was a woman.  As long as I have known him he has been a man. Now if he had gotten a sex change then he didn’t tell me.  Although he hadn’t gotten a sex change.  (There is that day his whole apartment smelled like he had a woman in there.  I don’t believe he knew why I asked though.)  And that is a hootenany.  I don’t date him and could never figure out why they thought that.  Just because we went out to movies or out to lunch.  I worked with him.  I didn’t think he liked me much.  More importantly, my M wouldn’t like him so why would I do that to myself.  Which is why I understand about the guy who can’t stand that I may not like his father. But if we were serious, then I think he would care enough to not let it be a huge problem. The same would be true if I truly liked Iv that way.  And I don’t.   We have had that conversation numerous times.    He wanted to kiss me once.  No offense, not liking him though.  So you figure, you get it over with and then that is the last you will ever hear of it.  I didn’t like it but then I don’t like him romantically or anything.  I don’t like him to touch me much either.  I don’t know if that is a psychological problem or not.  I just deal with it because I need friends and although the relationship is strained at times it does okay I guess.  Maybe not.  I think maybe not more often than it goes okay.  I have girlfriends.  Most of the people I talk to happen to be woman.  I don’t talk to men that much even though I find it easier to deal with men in general.  I need some girlfriends though.  I don’t know that getting them in R will be a possiblity though.  The women here are not different they are just cattier and nastier than usual.  Not sure why that is. Someone put stuff in their water and pissed them off like the cats that had the fight next door.  And I am  a paranoid lady.  I think they want to take my emails and my blog. What for I have no clue  It doesn’t even sound like them so why would they want it in the first place.   Do you think he feels like he sacrifices himself to be with people?  This goes back to Iv.  For those of you who don’t know he is an okay guy with a nasty temperament at times.  He does seem knowledgeable about what he knows.  He corrects me often enough.  He is not handsome nor cute.  But he is around when you need him and even when he doesn’t want to be. I don’t believe you have to pay him either. 
 
At the hairdresser there was a cute little girl.  I don’t know if that lady was her mother. It could have been her aunt or something or sister.  They looked a like to me.  She had this look on her face.  I see it sometimes.  It makes you want to ask her what’s wrong?  I don’t believe I have met her although I might have.  She reminds me of Troy or the other guy.  I saw him either at school or around town.
 
If they are trying to set people up on blind dates you think it would behoove them to first know what the person likes and who they are before they try and say we are interested in them.  It might save a lot of time and trouble  the kind that no one needs.  For instance, WE DON’T LIKE YOU!  Get it? We honestly, truly, don’t like you.  If we did, we would let you now.  In fact, we have no interest in you and we wish you would just get that damn fact through your head and get the hell out.  Now for those who know me I am an easygoing person.  I like most people. Yes I am quiet and yes I have been evil.  I am not evil now because truth to be told I can’t hold my own in an argument anymore I start to cry like a baby.  And I have been doing that for years now. Can’t stand confrontation now.  But this will all be behind soon.
 
Okay, so I am waiting to see if I can’t still get a job (I mean if I can still get a job with the company.  Fingers crossed).  Just as long as she doesn’t mention two names to me:  R and G.  And she won’t have a problem.  I don’t want to work where I previously worked either.  They thought they had to babysit.  That is the rudest damn thing to say for real.  Why my boss felt he had to babysit his office in the first place, you got me. Get a different job then if you feel you are babysitting or better yet, fire their damn ass and call it a day.  I was very suprised by how they saw me.  It didn’t make sense.  I think N who I worked with might have felt like that too although I don’t know why.  I hadn’t freaked out, acted out or even acted younger than I was. I didn’t appreciate some of what she said but I listened.  I think a big problem was the speakers that started in the body and then made their way out of the body. I can’t seem to work anywhere without them going on. I don’t understand that at all. I obviously disturb whoever puts them on by working at a job that will help me be out on my own.  Or maybe it is that I disturb them because they know I am near.  Or maybe it is that I just plain disturb them.  I think at one point she said you need help.  I think she mentioned psychological help not monetary help.  I am not sure if she was talking to me. I take it that you are talking to me if you are in my general vicinity unless it is clearly apparent that you are not.  Not that I want to stay where I am at. I even consider leaving the country but I don’t have money I have to work. This guy actually jokingly offered a plane ticket. I think I freaked him out when I said so if I really ask for it would you give it to me? He blew me off.  B.   So okay- I am blogging in what used to my old room and is currently where the brother sleeps.  He is house-sitting or better yet dog-sitting. 
 
You know what they say- don’t dish out what you can’t take.  I take that to heart.  I can’t dish stuff out because I can’t take what I dish out.  For instance, I am not a smart alec type of person.  So I am not quick with the repartee or comeback.  So I always fall flat on my face when it comes to trying to hold my own.  I can do it better at some times than at other times. 
 
The black community at large seems to be good at doing this. Being quick on the comeback. Some better than others.  The area with which this will probably show up in is the response to people’s reaction to how the country is run.  Will the community be happy or angry at Obama?  Will they make the same comments about him as the others?  I believe they will and there will be no holds barred against him either.
 
I have the shakes.  It annoys the hell out of me because I shake at the most inopportune times.  I don’t think that I have a serious nerve problem. I think it is excess energy and it has no where to go.  I could be wrong though.
 
My stomach has been very loud the last two days.  For those in the knowI have the noisest stomach in the world to me.  It sounds like a convention in there sometimes.  I believe it bothers me most if not all of the time when it gets like that.  I don’t like it.  I am thinking of going over someone’s house today but then I think why would you do that if they consider you an animal like a dog?  I get the feeling that means you always come sniffing around looking for a handout or for someone to play with, talk to or spend time with.  Or it can mean that you are a friend.   I am not a dog.  I might be your friend but I resent and don’t like to be called a dog.  I won’t call you that so don’t call me that. 
 
The NCNW of Rahway just gave their Bethune Recognition Dinner. For those in the know this is where they give out awards for those who have achieved and I believe lifetime membership. Some of them probably don’t deserve it but they get it.  Anyway, this is a night where the speaker gives you a good talking too, you have good food and you meet and greet. This year an honoree who shall remain namesless got one.  Out of the rest of them whom I don’t know I believe that she deserved it. All the shit she puts up with and the fact that she never complains to them and the fact that they use her I believe that she deserved that award.  And if they want, they can differ but then they aren’t truly members of the group if they don’t know what she has done for them over the years. Because if you were, you wouldn’t tell the person who has been president, secretary, member, chairperson and gopher that they don’t deserve that award.  It would seem a dumb ass thing to do.  
 
I believe that when I get asked to get married ( I am not going to do the asking.  I already asked a guy out once.  Not bad.  But I don’t think I would do the asking for getting married.  I am actually old fashioned enough to want to be asked.  And if no one asks me then I am not getting married.)  Why am I having this conversation-cause someone mentioned it recently.  I don’t intend to ask but intend to be asked.  A woman can ask if she chooses. This lady on a Wedding Story asked her husband to marry her. She said he took to long.  Good for her.  She ain’t unhappy either.  I believe on the re-visit she and her hubby were still married.
 
About me:  Tell me who are you?  I go by the name of Teresa (given middle name and also my aunt’s name) and I am here not to school you but to improve you.  What does that mean?  It just means that I am here to give to you what I have heard, read and talked about the previous day or just my general thoughts.  So I hope that you are enjoying the read.
 
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