What to Do?

Nov. 6th
I am sitting here waiting to go outside.  I was supposed to go out earlier but I didn’t. One reason after another. In actuality, I ate, then I got on the computer and then I watched television.  But I still want to go outside. I just don’t want to go out in the rain.  Plus, I am not in a good mood.  I am actually in a bad mood.  I am in a very bad mood.  Why you ask?  Because I am bored and I am tired but I don’t want to go to sleep.  I want to go to someone’s house other than my own.  Preferably to spend the night and we can chat.  Problem is I don’t have any friends like that.  I can’t do I’s.  I slept there already. I don’t think he wants people over often.  Anyway,  I heard that there are people around that area that aren’t good for people they don’t know.  I don’t believe I have met them yet.    I found an Arabic to English dictionary.  You have to sign up though. 
So I thought about committing murder today.  Not in a big way. Just a little way.  Have someone die to make me happy. But do it so that the story moves along.  I think that the person I picked works perfectly. (I write mysteries.  I am completing my first one and have hit a couple of snags in the road. Mainly people and events and such)  So I figure this is how they will die (or one person) I am going to walk right up to them, in a room full of people and have them stabbed multiple times.  The thing I can’t figure out is why I do this.  Is my reason anger, theft, deception or just plain orneriness?  Then I can translate it to my novel.  I like to kill people.  Then I like to put it in my novel.  It doesn’t always end up as a crime scene.  Sometimes I get really good story lines from it.  Who knows? This one can be a zinger.
I saw someone recently who reminded me of this lady I know  And then I heard of someone from a church I went too.  I think they are one and the same person.  Don’t know who or where they went to but I believe it was them.
I am no longer going to church. Although I am technically a member I am not sure they consider me a member.  That is what I hear.  So I don’t know what that is.  I don’t want to go anymore to that church either.  Nothing against them. I haven’t lost my faith.  I just want something that church isn’t giving me.  And I hope to find it elsewhere or maybe if I return to them, maybe I find it there. I am not sure about that.  I sometimes wonder if that is possible.
So I got these books from a guy I know.  I was thinking of giving them back although they were a birthday present. You are asking why? Because I never get him anything.  I think that is wrong.  Normally I wouldn’t think twice about it but I have been thinking about how I treat certain people, especially people I have had problems or issues with and actually thought about that.  But I think he would be offended.  Although I am not sure based on what he said to me whether or not he would have been offended or not.  I want to keep them because I think they would help me hone the craft.  I haven’t written for a while.  I am blogging though.  I like to blog and read other blogs. I have to ask this one blogger a question.  I still haven’t asked it yet.  I read up on it but nothing was mentioned.  I don’t know if it is right or not.
So okay, I am ready to go out now. But it is 1:14 a.m., and I am still inside the house.  If people were counting on me to come out they would be highly pissed right now. Particularly if they were family; but they would just be pissed and let me know.  But if they weren’t then they might be a little more pissed off and more vocal or differently vocal.   I read about this guy who writes. Do you know he has received death threats regarding what he writes? I can’t imagine receiving death threats for what you write. I am not sure whether I should believe the article.  I mean, if I were to write, that I know of someone who plotted to kill someone in town that I know and I can prove it by such and such then I might receive death threats?  I don’t know if that is a good thing to not believe.
Okay, I am ready to go chat with some people.  Make some friends at like 1:19 a.m., in the morning.  It is better to do it during the day. I am actually going to the library hopefully tomorrow.  I was supposed to be outside today.  I didn’t get farther than the driveway but I did get outside.  I am still planning to go.  I just haven’t left yet.  I need to find a job. I have to call the agency GS where I worked and see what the deal is there with them.  I am not sure the lady will risk sending me out for another job. But I didn’t do bad but if he told the lady that I had no idea what I was doing or talking about than she may not go for it.  My test scores are good and my work is good.  Not all of it but it is good.  So maybe she will; find me another position.  I do not want to return to substitute teaching.  I didn’t like it although it was fun at times.  You can make easy money and just sit there for the day and do nothing.  Which is what I did.  I just gave in attendance and sat there. Except at the elementary level. Can’t do that in that level.  They are too active.
My stomach was quiet most of the day. Now it is back to people hanging up or something.  Making noise and stuff.  I think it sounds like they are tapping or hanging up or something.  
This guy I worked with, he was trying hard to sound like he was down with certain type.  It was offensive to me.  I didn’t mention it to him.  Mostly because he said other offensive things as well.  Actually, the place I worked wasn’t a nice place to work all around. How the other lady stood it I don’t know.  I think maybe her and the lady she works with might have a good relationship.  And they have learned to deal with the bosses.  I bet you they are having a better time of it now.  I don’t particularly think I would recommend it to people unless you live in the area. No public transportation.  You need that for some people. 
The sad part is that while I want to go out I don’t feel like going far.  I had to borrow money to take a cab.  I have to let him know I borrowed the money.  I want to meet some people downtown but I don’t know if they are even in town.  I think some people are working down there and the kids are at home.  So I want to go.  It is now 1:41 a.m.  Time is getting on.
You know I was thinking about where I used to live at.  If a crime happened there, I could give you what I was doing and a little bit about what I heard but not what happened.  For example that day that I was in my room or the living room and I thought I heard ( now most people would say you should have sought some help but most of it is me hearing either my sister, my brother or my mother or who I thought to be them); my brother talking to someone and him saying You heard her, I am not her brother.  And then it sounded like he was being beaten to within an inch of his life.  Then another time, it sounded like someone was getting raped.  It always sounded as if someone was getting raped.  One time it sounded like a little child was laughing or crying.  Crying mostly at night though.  Nothing will beat the day that the downstairs neighbor tried to sing.  I am like please don’t sing because you can’t.  I think he heard me but he kept on going anyway.  It was horrible to hear but a little funny.  Okay why am I telling you this?  No clue.  It won’t help you understand me any better.  I just had to get it off my chest.
I also remember hearing a thump in the living room or kitchen. I later found out that she had passed out in the kitchen. I think I was on my way to going to sleep so I thought it was  a neighbor. It was around soccer season I think. Maybe not.  But then she started passing out more.  I thought you know possible pregnancy but she said  she knew what it was.  It had to do with her smoking.  Of course, when you foam at the mouth, not so sure you shouldn’t consider it a problem. 
Maybe this happens at your apartment building. I don’t know.  We had an interesting building.  We had this one guy like clockwork, at around 5:00 a.m., in the morning he would go downstairs and this lady would walk in front of the building and then this guy with a wheel barrow.  Never failed.  He didn’t show up I think like once or I was dead sleep.  Not that I was awake that often; I would get woken up by my neighbors and their radio or something. Speakers were loud as hell.  Excuse the language.  Although I have to share this with you, the b’s woke me up with coffee one morning; and didn’t leave any outside the door.  Not that they are supposed too; but it isn’t polite to wake someone up with coffee and then don’t offer any. I don’t think they meant to though.   Still not fair.
Nov. 7, 2008
Okay, so I called up the staffing agency today and apologized for not getting back to her earlier.  I explained about the hours.  And then I asked what he said.  He basically said I didn’t know what I was doing and wasn’t quick on the uptake.  Considering I was a paralegal I have to say I was insulted and not very happy.  When she asked what he said I told her. I also explained when I was going to talk to him about it.  I don’t know if I should ignore it. I don’t want too.  I want to talk to him about it and explain to him that his animosity towards someone who isn’t like him is a very nasty trait and he shouldn’t even try to act like he understands that he wasn’t nasty.  And I think because I didn’t say something right away he thinks that I should be treated with no respect.  I beg to differ.  ( I hear that phrase a lot.  That and no way in hell; of course I say no way in hell alot too).  Anyone who feels the need to do or say what he said is the one who doesn’t deserve respect.  How dare you walk up to someone and out of your face just say that to someone and expect them to want to talk to you with any kind of understanding much less respect?  And I did not disrespect him even though he really truly didn’t deserve any respect.  For saying that.  He would earn any respect he got.  And I don’t believe that he did.  But my opinion didn’t matter. I didn’t think it would to anyone involved with him and his company.  And then he says whatever-like we are supposed to know what that means.  Are we supposed to be clairvoyant and read his mind?  Oh wait, I get it, we are.  Well I can’t read his mind and I really have to say I didn’t like him much.  I was thinking he could be a famous person or someone with a lot of money and I think it would take me years to like him.  And I do mean years to like him.  Despite what he may have thought of me and my capability, I am not and nor would I have been  nasty to him.  I wouldn’t expect him to be nasty to me.  I don’t know him and don’t know him enough to like him.  He could be dressed up as a guy.  But if he was you would never know.  Maybe he is the female in the relationship.  Or the guy.  Don’t know.  And I shouldn’t think about it.  Shows you how much I am nosy into other people’s business.   A from the company asked if I knew why he said it.  I have no clue and as I said I do not know him.  He has no reason to say what he said to me whatsoever.  In fact, it is in extremely bad taste and bad etiquette; bad whatever.  He reminds me of what I said to K that day.  She probably felt the same way.  So now I know what she felt. 
 I will talk to you like I want to talk to my friends and I can’t because truth to be told, I don’t have any friends I can have this conversation with.  So I am going to have it with you.   I dislike the fact that I am the last to know things. And she meaning m says I know. Why would I know certain things? Although, I have to go to the hospital.  I don’t know what it will take to get me back to normal.  I do believe I will not have children via natural childbirth. But hopefully I will have children.  I may end up having a hysterectomy. Although with the noise in my body you would think I already had it.   I do want one but after I had my child.  I wanted up to five but I would be happy with one, two, three or whatever God saw to give me.  I don’t want to go through what my M went through. An emergency one.  Though that day I was in my room with that pain, I could imagine that it could happen.  
 Like for instance, M or her friends will talk to the rest of the group but not to me like I have nothing to say.  And sometimes or most of the time I may not have much to say particularly depending on the topic.  I have learned to not participate in a conversation I cannot have because I don’t know enough or can’t back up what I have to say. But just because I am 2quiet does not make me an imbelic idiot.  In other words, I do have a Goddamn Brain!  And I know how to use it. For instance, do you really want to know what I think? I mean do you really want to know?  I don’t think that you do because if you did, you would truly ask me what I thought. 
Okay enough about work.  I have to share this with you.   So all right, I have a friend, who likes this friend.  I can’t repeat names.  The problem is they don’t know each other very well.  In fact, they speak very little if at all.  She would like to get to know him.  She understands that it is only friendship.  She is okay with that.  However, he isn’t so okay with that.  He keeps thinking that she is into him.  I don’t know.  I have yet to see them together. I am looking for advice as to what to tell them.  First off, I know they need to spend more time together but he is the one that keeps it apart and distant.  She does too I believe but won’t admit it.  I think that he is right, that, she does like him more than he is comfortable with and is unable to let it go. I think that as much as she has tried not too, despite the fact that they haven’t met each other, she is intrigued by him.  So what advice do you have besides what I told her to do which was:  Let it go and live your life.  
Another request for advice:  I am looking for ways to meet people.  Without money it is hard for me.  I am trying to do things that are within my range and capability meaning that I am comfortable and can do it.  I have joined a dating service.  I  know I know, I swore I would never do it.  It is like a blind date.  Do you want to know why I can’t participate?  I don’t have a credit card.  How bad is that?  I was part of a book club. I am no longer part of it.  I would like to start another one.  I started going out to events around the area.  Again, you need money. I don’t have a lot.  So any advice for the poor on how to hang out besides at the local bar?  Where again you need money. 
  Just so you know, I have started on a track to refrain from discussing respect.  You are like why? Because I talk about it alot because I feel and believe that I don’t get it and that I deserve it.   But if I don’t feel that I get it, then apparently, someone feels that I don’t deserve it.  So I don’t want to talk about it much unless I can give you a cohesive argunment or a clear view of the situation.  And then let you decide whether or not based upon your own life I did the right thing and deserved respect.  You may agree with the other party that I don’t.
 For those in the know:  I watched this new show yesterday called, Life on Mars.  WG played a character called Mr. LoveButter in it.  What makes it interesting is she was a woman radio disc jockey who had a male persona on air.  And when the two police officers found that out the one guy, I think it was the white guy didn’t understand why.  It was simple:  You gave her words more respect when they came from a man than when they came from a woman.  But the reason I am telling you about this is because it had a line in it that said, "WE have a honkey up in here."  Sorry all you caucasians but that is the foul word used to describe you. There are others but this isn’t a referendum on the use of bad language to describe a race. Hence do not write about the n-word in response to this K?  The cop didn’t know what to say. So then he tried to be cool (you remember my conversation earlier about sounding false and not right) and caught himself when they looked at him as if he was an idiot.  We all have been in that situation.  Around people who do this or say this.  I use the H word just not all the time. And mostly in a joke. But I do use it.  It actually sounds funny more than anything.  It sounds like a horses rear end.  Do you think they are really that offended or just too drunk to notice when it is used? 
  For those in the know:  we are watching as President Elect Obama is moving into his presidency.  We are watching people’s reactions to the fact that Palin might possibly run for office in 2012.  We are watching as our neighbors go through hell because their families are split.  And they want their M or F or both to be home.  The reason I mention families is that we are close to Thanksgiving and the giving of baskets so they can have a family dinner. I have my own wish for Thanksgiving and I am not sure that it will happen.  So I have a wish for some of the children and families I have seen.  That they have a place and a huge dinner for Thanksgiving.
 For those in the know and for those who want to know:  The house I like is up for rent.  Isn’t that so kewl!?  No seriously, its soooooooooooooo kewl!.  Here it goes, I will do it for you: (Okay, excuse the bad language about to be used, I do not know how to bitch slap myself on the internet without the icons.  Its like the arrows on the chat room. I don’t know how they do that either.)  I know that I can’t afford to move out yet.  Anyway, it is up for rent and I know that I can’t afford it but I really do want a place of my own and then I think that the relationship will be okay.  It has a backyard so the kids can play if you rent out a part of the house.  I do believe it is a two family too.  I could be wrong.  It might be a one family with two doors.  But it is still a nice looking house on the outside.  I think I might be able to look at it if I ask.  But I have to have money.   
 For those in the know:  I am still currently employed-so far.  Always subject to change.  Even if the name changes or something.  Always subject to change.
 PEO is doing a speech on television.  I am currently watching it. I think he is going to be in a lot of conferences between now and when he starts.  So, what to do until he starts?  Watch, listen, learn and wait.
 Someone might be getting lucky soon.  Not lucky as in sex.  I am not talking sex. All right?  No, I am talking in life.  Jeez, get your mind out of the gutter. 
 PEO is choosing his cabinet.  He has chosed RE as part of his cabinet.  I don’t remember his position.  When I find it again, I will post.  He wants to pick it quickly and get everyone up to speed so they can begin to learn about each other and what they need to do for the nation.  I will discuss more later once I have gotten up to speed.  For those in the know and those who don’ t know:  I like politics.  Of note:  We should all become aware of what is happening in our neighborhoods, with our children and our schools.  The reason I say this is because of what is happening where I am; I mean the in-fighting and what appears to be special consideration. I am not privy to what that is or means except what I hear or see.  So hopefully, ya’ll will pay attention.
I am starting a new blog and will eventually stop this one. So I hope you will follow me if you like this blog.  I will leave the name here or for those who e-mail  me I will respond to your email.  Since it isn’t on the internet yet that may be a while.  But I hope by this weekend, I will be read by people in Spaces.  And then who knows, if people like what they see, they may pick it up and put it in papers.

I am watching Sherlock Holmes on cocaine.  Now think of this:  You have Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a murder smacked up on cocaine with Sigmund Freud telling him they have a penchant for red heads.  Seriously guys?  Cocaine?  Sherlock Holmes? Ah, we get it.  The pipe isn’t a pipe.  We see Kemosabi.


Okay, so I wrote another book.  I should really talk to people face to face.  See?  I know. You know.  I am doing that off and on.  But not often enough. And when I want to talk at times, they may not want to talk or I have nothing to say.  So see, catch 22!  But I am getting there.


 I heard a new song.  It was nice.  I don’t discuss music much. But this song has a pretty beat.  I heard one that sounds just like my cell phone ring.  It sounds pretty nice.  We must have thought alike that day.  


Okay, so I think it is time for the soliloquay for the day to end.  I will chat with you tomorrow.


Until then, enjoy your evening.  And  tight!  Remember to  and to  your loved ones. 




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