Cold


I am cold right now.  I want to go for a walk.  I think I will.  or just take a cab.  I got my friend today.  (code for menstruation).  not that you need to know that.  anyway, i am tired but want to go out.  and i want to pick up some information.  okay so i don’t have much to write.  i just thought i’d say hi.  so hi.  bye now.
okay.  so im’  writing.  i am dizzy.  but i won’t faint.  i haven’t fainted in a long time.  I get light headed though.  I fainted twice. and almost once in the house.  other than that, i haven’t fainted. 
 
so i am cold. freezing.  my temperature dropped like you wouldn’t beleive.  its like i got ac on in my body.  
 
for my 34th birthday, i am trying to decide what i want.  i could go away or i could do something else.
 
 i am going to step out of a lot of things.  not that i am involved in a lot of things.  its quite the opposite.  i thought i could actually be a part of society and the town and go out and meet people like me.  except there aren’t many like me in terms of where i am at now.  of course there are people in trouble but not me.  so I have to step out.  it would be better for me. 
 
okay so i am not worth much see.  i am not worth little but i am not worth much.  you might say its the same thing.  and you’re right it could be but i don’t think so.  see if i was worth something then i wouldn’t feel like total shit half the time.  and if was worth something i would be bringing in a pay check and not being out of work and constantly asking for money or for help to do things.  i could get an attorney who could help me with my stuff in not time flat and not feel like i was being humored.  but that isn’t even the problem.   My problem is that I don’t feel like it is going to go my way for nothing.  i am hoping that i am wrong but i don’t believe i am.
 
you want to hear something funny- i am  almost 35 and i am out of work, lonley off and on (mostly when i am surrounded by couples)  and i am living at the parents house who constantly kick me out because i am not working and they don’t want me there either. not that i want to be there but i have no other place to live without money coming in outside of a homeless shelter.  i might end up there. 
 
her thing is i am not going to support you anymore.  my sister is working.  she doesn’t talk to me that much.  she doesn’t have the patience.  my brother is working.  i think they wish someone else was there for them.  
 
well i gotta go.   
 
Okay, so I woke up this morning and I wasn’t exactly in a bad mood. I WROTE THIS MORNING:  I AM READY TO GO NOW.  but the problem is i am not going anywhere in particular.  i just want to get out of where i am now to a different location to think and to talk.  it is not like someone is going to take me anywhere.  they might if i ask. or they might if they like to spend time with me.  then again, they could because the y need someone to watch the car.  but anyway, it isn’t a big deal.
 
i have decided although i like women to be friends with i see why some of my friends say women can’t be friends because they are too catty and too much into their business.  but for woman and men it is different.  they say it is all about sex.  i see that too and i don’t agree about that either. 
 
i don’t want this to be published so i have to figure out how not to do that.  i have been in a mood lately.  no one here i like enough to sleep with.  and i really do mean that.  they are either involved, think they are the shit or just not interesting to me.  and there is of course the ones who say why don’t you try the same.  not interested.  and i am not a man although that is what they try to call me.  don’t get that either.  i don’t look like a man and i never have.  i don’t act like one iether.   but for those who are, more power to them.  i am not one of them.  although this lady at chuch i think is.  imagine that.  i didn’t think that of her.  it is interesting to know. 
 
anyway i started this yesterday. so i am still drafting.  i have some things to say and want to get out before i post.  i be back later.  i might take some stuff out then.  okay.
 
September 15, 2008
 
I am still typing on the same entry   I started a draft and have to finish it.  IN a sense what I want to write today is that I believe that hopefully, soon, things will change for the better.  I have to talk to this attorney regarding protecting myself and my writing.   How I can do that with the little money I have and with what I have without fear that somoene will take it.  I have a good idea that someone is trying to take my work away or it is just paranoia.  I haven’t tried to publlish it yet but I am going to try.  So I am paranoid.  I think it will go over well. 
 
Also, this thing with the name is important.  I have to fix it.  ANd then there is the doctor’s appointment.  I am hoping to be able to do it in the office but I don’t know if I will be able too.  I think I should be able too.  you have to excuse the typos.  I am going to fix them before I put this out so don’t worry.  Anyway, I want to meet some people and find out more about what I wanted to learn about.  It is in regards to religion.  I like this religion I am reading about.  I have to finish the book I started on it though.  It is their version of the Bible.   You see, I went through this phase a while back where I was dissatisified with my life in terms of religioln and where I was. 
 
Last night this child or young adult or youg voiced sounding adult screamed outside last night or this morning rather right before I had gone to get the paper.  I had been wanting to go out most of the night.  So I waited a little bit until later and went out.  I usually sit out for a little while before the paper comes.  Not all the time.  I like the morning time.  THe time before your day starts and it is peaceful outside.  Not loud or noisy or stressful.  I think that is why I would like a waterfront home but I can’t afford and not sure I will be able to afford.  But if the writing career takes off, I just might be able to afford it.   I think and this is a big if for me, that if the writing i have sells well, I might be able to get a freelance job for a magazine.  Like Playboy, or Cosmo or People.  Well actually, not people.  Maybe GQ or Maxim.  I don’t know which ones.  I have named mostly Mens’ magazines.  I would go for Womens’ too.  But the ones that I had been looking at last night were womens and mens.  who knows I might actually get a job. 
 
I am not typing completely correct here.  But the idea is that if I actually start something that is good enough to catch an editor’s attention, I might actually, be published.  I know it is a dream right now. But I am hoping to make it a reality.
 
I want to meet my neighbors.  I see them, I say hi to some of them but not all of them.  I could get to know them.  I think they are busy though.  I see a lot of them have young children.  School age.  I have substitute taught some of them. 
 
Okay, so I am completely babbling right now.  I don’t know that people will not completely enjoy what I write but I hope that they will. 
 
Bye!
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